Clarity

The word seems to be so distant, so strange and so un-me.. This is because for 23 years of my existence, I do not know what to pursue, I am not fully aware of my core gift, nor my passion.

For most part of my life, I’ve grown to just live for the day, to give my best at the task at hand, to let other people influence what I’ll want in life, to suffer being in conformance with the society. Unconsciously, I was doing those things because I want to please everyone, for which later I realized was totally wrong and dangerous.

Yes, I’ve been so blessed with much. Being a constant achiever in school was an achievement, but even in those days, I wonder, how come I have not discovered what I really want? How come that I’ve studied much and experience all possible areas of career yet at this moment, could not think of what to do?

Ok, just to formalize it, I’ll lay down the possibilities. First, am I good with numbers? No, I am not. Mathematics was not my forte. I’ve always had this encounter before, people would ask me what course I am taking (during my college days), and I’ll say Accountancy, then by default, they’ll reply, so you’re good in Math. And that would make me smile. Because I was not, I only wish I was.

Second, am I good with words? Well, maybe. I’m struggling. Before, I really thought I was good in organizing thoughts. But when I took Accountancy, my vocabulary words got worse..

So how did I come to get accountancy as a course? It wasn’t my idea, it was my mom’s. not sure what to take after high school and again, I just took it up, not knowing what lies ahead.

Yes, I’ve excelled in that, too. If grades would be the basis. But looking back, I really am not passionate about accountancy. I’ve excelled because I wanted to stay as a scholar.

 So the big question stares at me again, what is my core gift?

I’ve read lots of articles and blogs for the hope that I can discern it, but to my dismay, I still do not have the answer.

But here’s something I am holding on, something I’ve read from one great writer, Rissa Singson-Kawpeng – You can never achieve clarity, but you can always trust that God is guiding you all the way. He has placed His hand over you.

 This, for the meantime, suffices for all uncertainties I have.

This places hope in my heart that one of these days, I’ll wake up discovering something I’ll be willing to die for.

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